Woke up at 4:45 and couldn't sleep, so decided to write down a few of the things rumbling around in my head.
--ever be able to wrap Christmas gifts for the nieces and nephews without crying? somehow this year I managed to keep the tears from staining the sweet little pink & white cupcake hat for our newest newborn niece and the puppy dog hat and onesie for the nephew. the unfulfilled joy of parenting for us remains as raw and real as a dagger in the heart. all this, running through my heart and soul as I'm wrapping these precious gifts to mail off, parenthood still remaining for us an overwhelming desire unfilled and desperately longed for.
--live in the here & now---today, this day, in this moment, without clinging to the hope of a future with "our" babies.
--respond gracefully and flawlessly to the rude, unkind and hurtful remarks of others who mean well, but should've kept quiet instead of saying something hurtful they can never take back. like, "maybe this is God's way of protecting you from a child with special needs", or "just adopt--everyone gets pregnant when they adopt". or the easy old stand bye of "oh, honey, you just need to relax and then it'll happen".
--stop asking "why us"?
--be able to attend a baby shower without falling apart?
--not let this IVF and infertility journey consume me and rob me of the real life we have now---the blessings of almost 7 years with my hubby, employment, a wonderful home, friends, a great church family and our many family members and loved ones scattered throughout the states and abroad. oh, and lest I forget, our 2 furry dogs.
--not worry about things I can't control (like my body)?
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength"
— Corrie Ten Boom
--stop nicking veins when I do my injections (it's a little thing I know, but the bruises do look terrible) somehow it seemed so much easier and less painful in our IVF teaching class.