Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Tiny update...

Well, estrogen tested low on Sunday so they've doubled up on my repronex. Only have 8 follicles, which is really disappointing (and low for me) but it's still enough to go forward with the cycle. Also discovered a small cyst...a non factor, but definitely must be medication induced because I didn't have a single cyst going into this cycle (or ever for that matter).
Overall, a bummer day since everything looked great to start. At least my bloodwork today indicated that they've stabilized my estrogen AND it looks like we can still go forward with the retrieval next week...maybe this is normal and I just don't know it yet? Had visions of 15-20 follicles with quite a few eggs (in the hopes that we wouldn't have to go thru a retrieval again if this cycle doesn't take). SIGH...the ups and downs continue.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Hormone survival day #$$$??

YEESH, I wish I would've known how emotionally out of control the hormones would make me. Yikes. I'm officially a crazy woman!
When the nurse said I'd have some emotional side affects I thought a few extra tears here and there and maybe a few snappy PMS moments. Wow, it's been like WWIII for the past couple of weeks. The good news is that I think we'll make it! AND hopefully I only have another week on Stim meds and we'll survive that too!
Christmas was hard. Don't know why I didn't even consider this but we went to see Marley & Me Christmas night with the family. Now, if any of you have read the book or seen the movie you'll probably agree that it's not a great movie to see if you are emotionally unstable (as I FREELY admit that I was). Basically (spoiler alert) I cried from the miscarriage all the way to the end of the movie (over 1/2 the film). At least it was a quieter sniffle/sobbing vs. the full out sobbing I managed to keep under control. I didn't realize that the human body could create that many tears! :-)

Saturday, December 20, 2008

4am musings from an IVF girl

Woke up at 4:45 and couldn't sleep, so decided to write down a few of the things rumbling around in my head.

Will I:
--ever be able to wrap Christmas gifts for the nieces and nephews without crying? somehow this year I managed to keep the tears from staining the sweet little pink & white cupcake hat for our newest newborn niece and the puppy dog hat and onesie for the nephew. the unfulfilled joy of parenting for us remains as raw and real as a dagger in the heart. all this, running through my heart and soul as I'm wrapping these precious gifts to mail off, parenthood still remaining for us an overwhelming desire unfilled and desperately longed for.

--live in the here & now---today, this day, in this moment, without clinging to the hope of a future with "our" babies.

--respond gracefully and flawlessly to the rude, unkind and hurtful remarks of others who mean well, but should've kept quiet instead of saying something hurtful they can never take back. like, "maybe this is God's way of protecting you from a child with special needs", or "just adopt--everyone gets pregnant when they adopt". or the easy old stand bye of "oh, honey, you just need to relax and then it'll happen".

--stop asking "why us"?

--be able to attend a baby shower without falling apart?

--not let this IVF and infertility journey consume me and rob me of the real life we have now---the blessings of almost 7 years with my hubby, employment, a wonderful home, friends, a great church family and our many family members and loved ones scattered throughout the states and abroad. oh, and lest I forget, our 2 furry dogs.

--not worry about things I can't control (like my body)?
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength"
— Corrie Ten Boom

--stop nicking veins when I do my injections (it's a little thing I know, but the bruises do look terrible) somehow it seemed so much easier and less painful in our IVF teaching class.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The countdown (and injections) begin...

We're now on schedule for IVF retrieval and subsequent embryo transfer in the first two weeks of 2009. Started b/c week of 11/23 and Lupron injections 12/15. I'm scared, hopeful and excited all at once. dr. told us to prepare for 50-60% success rate. I'm 31//hubby 26 w/low motility and morphology. chance of spontaneous pregnancy 0-4%, IUI 5-12% and IVF 52-60%. Chance of twins 25-30%. Bring it on! We've had names picked out for children since early in our marriage. Every pregancy within our families (he's youngest of 4 boys, I'm oldest of 7 kids) had us waiting for announced names and hoping that our choices didn't get taken. 7 nieces and nephews later and our "selected" names are still waiting for us. It's the little things....

More to come...looking forward to this journey. Prepared for disappointment but holding out for hope and by God's grace we'll be expanding our family of 2 to a clan of 3, or 4! No triplets or beyond. I'm not sure we're up for that many kiddos at once.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Family of 2....for now....

After researching and stumbling upon some great finds in the infertility world I decided to jump in and start blogging our IVF journey. After 3 years of infertility we came to accept that biological children were not in our future, so in the Spring of 2008 we decided to expand our family through adoption. Fast foward two job layoffs later (my husband was a sales manager in the now nearly bankrupt car business) and we still clung to the adoption hope. After becoming gainfully employed again in September of 2008 we discovered that my hubby's new company health insurance covered up to $50,000 in infertility benefits. What a gigantically huge blessing! We're still suffering sticker shock everytime we see our IVF paperwork and realize that we pay merely a fraction of the cost. The insurance company even picked up the tab for the bulk of the IVF medications. I opened the box of meds and just visualized stacks of cash to the tune of $3-4K contained within the mysteriously packaged liquids, powders and vials of oil. Anticipated retrieval and transfer during the first 2 weeks of 2009