Well, estrogen tested low on Sunday so they've doubled up on my repronex. Only have 8 follicles, which is really disappointing (and low for me) but it's still enough to go forward with the cycle. Also discovered a small cyst...a non factor, but definitely must be medication induced because I didn't have a single cyst going into this cycle (or ever for that matter).
Overall, a bummer day since everything looked great to start. At least my bloodwork today indicated that they've stabilized my estrogen AND it looks like we can still go forward with the retrieval next week...maybe this is normal and I just don't know it yet? Had visions of 15-20 follicles with quite a few eggs (in the hopes that we wouldn't have to go thru a retrieval again if this cycle doesn't take). SIGH...the ups and downs continue.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Hormone survival day #$$$??
YEESH, I wish I would've known how emotionally out of control the hormones would make me. Yikes. I'm officially a crazy woman!
When the nurse said I'd have some emotional side affects I thought a few extra tears here and there and maybe a few snappy PMS moments. Wow, it's been like WWIII for the past couple of weeks. The good news is that I think we'll make it! AND hopefully I only have another week on Stim meds and we'll survive that too!
Christmas was hard. Don't know why I didn't even consider this but we went to see Marley & Me Christmas night with the family. Now, if any of you have read the book or seen the movie you'll probably agree that it's not a great movie to see if you are emotionally unstable (as I FREELY admit that I was). Basically (spoiler alert) I cried from the miscarriage all the way to the end of the movie (over 1/2 the film). At least it was a quieter sniffle/sobbing vs. the full out sobbing I managed to keep under control. I didn't realize that the human body could create that many tears! :-)
When the nurse said I'd have some emotional side affects I thought a few extra tears here and there and maybe a few snappy PMS moments. Wow, it's been like WWIII for the past couple of weeks. The good news is that I think we'll make it! AND hopefully I only have another week on Stim meds and we'll survive that too!
Christmas was hard. Don't know why I didn't even consider this but we went to see Marley & Me Christmas night with the family. Now, if any of you have read the book or seen the movie you'll probably agree that it's not a great movie to see if you are emotionally unstable (as I FREELY admit that I was). Basically (spoiler alert) I cried from the miscarriage all the way to the end of the movie (over 1/2 the film). At least it was a quieter sniffle/sobbing vs. the full out sobbing I managed to keep under control. I didn't realize that the human body could create that many tears! :-)
Saturday, December 20, 2008
4am musings from an IVF girl
Woke up at 4:45 and couldn't sleep, so decided to write down a few of the things rumbling around in my head.
Will I:
--ever be able to wrap Christmas gifts for the nieces and nephews without crying? somehow this year I managed to keep the tears from staining the sweet little pink & white cupcake hat for our newest newborn niece and the puppy dog hat and onesie for the nephew. the unfulfilled joy of parenting for us remains as raw and real as a dagger in the heart. all this, running through my heart and soul as I'm wrapping these precious gifts to mail off, parenthood still remaining for us an overwhelming desire unfilled and desperately longed for.
--live in the here & now---today, this day, in this moment, without clinging to the hope of a future with "our" babies.
--respond gracefully and flawlessly to the rude, unkind and hurtful remarks of others who mean well, but should've kept quiet instead of saying something hurtful they can never take back. like, "maybe this is God's way of protecting you from a child with special needs", or "just adopt--everyone gets pregnant when they adopt". or the easy old stand bye of "oh, honey, you just need to relax and then it'll happen".
--stop asking "why us"?
--be able to attend a baby shower without falling apart?
--not let this IVF and infertility journey consume me and rob me of the real life we have now---the blessings of almost 7 years with my hubby, employment, a wonderful home, friends, a great church family and our many family members and loved ones scattered throughout the states and abroad. oh, and lest I forget, our 2 furry dogs.
--not worry about things I can't control (like my body)?
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength"
— Corrie Ten Boom
--stop nicking veins when I do my injections (it's a little thing I know, but the bruises do look terrible) somehow it seemed so much easier and less painful in our IVF teaching class.
Will I:
--ever be able to wrap Christmas gifts for the nieces and nephews without crying? somehow this year I managed to keep the tears from staining the sweet little pink & white cupcake hat for our newest newborn niece and the puppy dog hat and onesie for the nephew. the unfulfilled joy of parenting for us remains as raw and real as a dagger in the heart. all this, running through my heart and soul as I'm wrapping these precious gifts to mail off, parenthood still remaining for us an overwhelming desire unfilled and desperately longed for.
--live in the here & now---today, this day, in this moment, without clinging to the hope of a future with "our" babies.
--respond gracefully and flawlessly to the rude, unkind and hurtful remarks of others who mean well, but should've kept quiet instead of saying something hurtful they can never take back. like, "maybe this is God's way of protecting you from a child with special needs", or "just adopt--everyone gets pregnant when they adopt". or the easy old stand bye of "oh, honey, you just need to relax and then it'll happen".
--stop asking "why us"?
--be able to attend a baby shower without falling apart?
--not let this IVF and infertility journey consume me and rob me of the real life we have now---the blessings of almost 7 years with my hubby, employment, a wonderful home, friends, a great church family and our many family members and loved ones scattered throughout the states and abroad. oh, and lest I forget, our 2 furry dogs.
--not worry about things I can't control (like my body)?
"Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength"
— Corrie Ten Boom
--stop nicking veins when I do my injections (it's a little thing I know, but the bruises do look terrible) somehow it seemed so much easier and less painful in our IVF teaching class.
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